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Breaking News: President Trump Orders ‘Field Marshal’ Uniforms to Review the Troops

by Invenium Viam on May 16, 2017


Field Marshall Trump

President Trump in the ‘Zhukov-style’ Field Marshal of America uniform

Dateline: May 16, 2017 ~ Washington, DC


“As Commander-In-Chief, I’m bigger than the biggest generals, right?” President Trump opined during an exclusive interview with Minnesota Progressive Project. “I’m bigger than Petraeus, bigger than McMaster, bigger than Odierno, bigger than Ryan, bigger than that tight-ass jarhead — what’s his name? — the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, you know who I’m talking about, bigger than him even. I’m the biggest of all and that means I should have a better uniform than any of them.”


When MNPP pointed out that in Article II, Section 2, of the US Constitution the founders vested supreme command of the military in the President as the civilian head of government and that made it unnecessary for the Commander-In-Chief to wear a military uniform, President Trump sneered in annoyance. “That’s the problem with you godd@m libtards — you think you know everything. F*ck the Constitution. Even the Surgeon General gets to go around wearing a cool uniform if he wants to, so why not the president? Especially since I’m a wartime president and will be until the day I die. I need to be in uniform when I review my troops and when we have military parades on my and Ivanka’s birthdays. It makes no sense not to have the President in uniform on those occasions, but that’s Obama for you. That dummy couldn’t get anything right.”


“So I asked around,” the President continued. I said, “What rank out-ranks a four-star general? And somebody said, ‘A Field Marshal.’ So I said, ‘Name some famous Field Marshals.’ And somebody said back, ‘Field Marshal Erwin Rommel. Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery. Field Marshal Georgi Zhukov.’ I’d heard the names before, so I said, ‘I’m honored to count myself among such famous fellow citizens and patriots and become a Field Marshal of America. My first act as Field Marshal will be to order all our troops in uniform to dress right regardless of how they naturally hang. That’ll let ’em know right away who’s in charge because it touches them at a personal level.”


“Look,” the President declared with evident delight. “I’ve been practicing my salute.” He then snapped his heels together smartly and demonstrated several times how he executes an impressive salute to underlings. “It takes practice to get the hang of it,” he admitted. “It might seem like one salute is as good as another, but my salute has to say, ‘I’m the President and a Field Marshal of America and I severely out-rank you, boy.’ It’s hard to convey all that with a simple salute unless you really know how to give it some snap.”


“Here’s a picture of me in the first of a couple-dozen Field Marshal uniforms I’m having custom-made in India for different occasions and for the different branches of service. This one is called the ‘Zhukov’ style. It’s for reviewing the Army. Some of the others are called the ‘Wellington,’ the ‘Pinochet,’ and the ‘Pahlavi’. This last one is titanium white and all gold braid with a scarlet satin sash across the chest. I’ll wear this one when I review the troops at NASA.”



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