Contract with Minnesota ~ Use with Caution
“Fate delights in revealing defects of character.” Matz’s First Metaphysical Insight
Taking a page from former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s ‘Contract with America’ from a-w-a-a-y back in the mid-1990’s, Republican U.S. Senate candidate Mike “Nutshot” McFadden today released his new ‘Contract with Minnesota’ initiative to wide acclaim from nobody stating that he would accomplish absolutely nothing of the least possible benefit to anyone.
First, McFadden boldly and forthrightly proposed that he would sponsor or co-sponsor legislation to amend the U.S. Constitution to require that the federal budget be balanced — a bill that would, with the certainty of tomorrow’s sunrise, die in committee. Still, it sounds like a big deal, right, amending the Constitution? Except that it requires passage by both Houses of Congress and ratification by two-thirds of the states. How, exactly, is a junior senator from Minnesota — who will have control of NO committees and will have NO chops whatsoever among the Big Dogs running the caucuses — supposed to pull THAT one off? Being Senator ain’t like being CEO, Mike: you don’t get to bark the orders and watch the little guys jump.
Next, McFadden said he would sponsor bills in support of building the proposed Keystone pipeline and other pipelines. Whoa, daddy, does this guy know how to senator! Newsflash for you, Mikey, there’s already plenty of support for the KeystoneXL pipeline and other pipelines from big-ass moneyed interests like Trans-Canada and Koch Industries. To those guys, you’d be more of an annoyance and unwanted background noise than anything like a real asset in that fight. On the other hand, there’s also plenty of opposition from Minnesotans who would rather not watch our planet burn up and see our groundwater contaminated for 1,000 years just so a bunch of soulless fat phukkers can live a little better between now and when they burn in hell a few years from now, thank you very much. So consider those Minnesota voters written out of your contract.
You could probably use those votes. Jus’ sayin’ …
Then, McFadden said he would support legislation to repeal the medical device tax and simplify the tax code. But there’s already been legislation to repeal the medical device tax, which hasn’t gotten anywhere, and there’s perennial legislation to simplify the tax code. So there’s no need for any newly-minted Senator McFadden to make any of that happen and there’s no need for a contract with Minnesotans to guarantee it. So strike that clause altogether.
McFadden also is promising to “post reasoning on his Senate website behind every vote he casts.” As opposed to what, genius, stating your reasons for the votes you take in newspaper and television interviews? Are you saying that you won’t be accessible to the mass media once elected — but you’ll deign to reveal to any devotees who visit your website your Special Powers of Thought? That’s damn big of you, whiteboy, but I don’t really know how it’s of any real benefit to me or any other Minnesotans.
What exactly are you trying to sell us with this contract, Mikey? Blue sky in July?
Finally, McFadden repeated a pledge not to seek a second term if he votes with “any president or party,” 97 percent of the time. Which means that he’s clear any contractual obligation by any margin less than 97% — like 95% or even 96% of the time. Of course, all that assumes that he’ll be awarded a first term by the voters, which is almost certainly not going to happen because the more the voters get to know this guy the less they seem to like him.
His new “Contract with Minnesota” will only serve to seal the deal.